Enter the Unease

Well, we are counting down now.  In one week's time I will be spending my last night in my bed for some time.  Trouble is, I'm not exactly sleeping so well now.  Insomnia, my old nemesis, has reared its ugly head as I fly the turbulent airs of anticipation and anxiety.  It is too early to pack, too early to be really ready beyond the preparation stages of a take off checklist - but not too early to be mentally repeating those actions in my imagination over and over and examining the process for missing pieces or mistakes.  Joy.

I will be glad to get underway, at least then I will be actively engaging the beast as it were.  Still, while those feelings are highly charged, there is also the sense of desperate clinging to the time I have left here with my significant other and family.  Each minute seems to hang and fly by at the same time; it is an uncomfortable limbo of eagerness to be on my way and reluctance to depart my routine and comfort zone.

Most of all I am concerned with making the absolute most of my time with my significant other, Bruno, before I am parted for him for the longest period ever in our (nearly) nine years of togetherness - in what most people would consider the claustrophobically sized room we share.  I will miss our nine year anniversary while on my travels, but it is of small matter if we make up for the lost day when he comes to visit me at the end of my semester at CMRS.  That is what I most look forward to when I become anxious about being apart.  Such a special trip together is something we would not have undertaken if I were not to already be across the ocean and so seizing the opportunity seems like seizing a dream we didn't know we had.

I am sure that the anxiety will burn off in the fires of productivity once I am actually at CMRS, but for the time being I am gnawed upon by my own self-doubt and general worry about being away from the home fires.