Well tonight is the last night I will sleep in my bed (read: stay up too late not sleeping in my bed, but enjoying sitting in it just the same). It is a strange sensation. Strange because it is always strange to think of what you can't know and speculate what you will feel when you encounter that unknown (waste of time really, but you can't not do it) and stranger because a lot of what I would be feeling and thinking is suppressed by my desire to be a trooper about this and meet the expectations of everyone who counters my smallest anxiety with "Oh but you'll be on an adventure" or "Yes but you'll be having so much fun you won't notice" and other such things. Don't get me wrong, I know they are meant as a kind reminder of what is speculated reality on their part and encouragement and so on and I take them as such! In fact, I know that in part they are right about all of the above. Still. I am going to have my down days too. I am going to have to get over the heart wrenching reality that my beloved is not next to me every night and my family is off doing their craziness without supervision every day and my mother may be mistreated or have an episode at her nursing home or my grandma may need me to vent on if she get in a tizzy or my dog's hip might give out on the stairs again or, and, or, and or.... and so on. All these things that, while we are here we feel like we can control or are needed for or help with that without us seem like they would just spin off into chaos and destruction. Most of the time that's not really true, but it feels that way.
So I feel like I am not feeling. That doesn't make sense unless you think about it really really hard for a minute, I realize. I've been doing a lot of "not thinking" and "not feeling" of things that are negative or things that are anything other than keeping on an even keel and maintaining my balance and trying not to let this trip and its implications get on top of my brain and stomp it into a fine mist. I've been very successful with that objective. No amount of mental and emotional self possession keeps things out of the undertow thoughts though. Today I had a major headache all day that I couldn't beat off with two doses of Excedrin Migraine and nausea with dizziness that wouldn't loosen its grip no matter what I did for it. I am guessing its the physical manifestation of the swirling nimbus of anxiety I have been shutting out of my mind. Thankfully, at the time of this writing, it has subsided to an acceptable throb the level of a minor sinus headache, which is a great improvement.
There are so many things and people and routines that I am going to miss while I am on my adventure, and while I have no doubt that it will be an adventure - one very worth having - that fact does not remove or negate the sensation of loss that accompanies knowing that tonight is my last night here, tomorrow my last day, for a little while at least. Even before I leave, part of me is already looking forward to being home again.
Then again, if you never leave the things you love, you never get to experience the joy of coming back to them, right?
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